Its hard for me to judge who I am in comparison to the rest of the world. I am one of billions of people. Anything I want to do, somebody has done it. It feels like I am small. That I am living in the past. I want to create something beautiful, or more importantly, something that will last. But aren’t other people doing that?
I know that I am lucky to be in this body. But yet, I can’t help but feel alone from the rest of the world. Yes, a little lonely but also a little bit like everything’s been done already, so what the hell am I doing here. There’s always someone who can sing better than me, someone who is a better lover, is funnier, is more attractive, makes more money. And I suppose there always will be. What is special about me is really nothing at all.
I try and try to be the best but I can’t tell if it really makes a difference. If I should be struggling as much as I do. I’m trying to find that fine line between persistence and patience. Lately I have been working myself into the ground, mostly from my own hate toward a recent breakup. Am I taking it out on my body? I try to do a million things, put my fingers into a hundred pots.
The more I push myself the more my temper has been flaring up. The more I feel uneasy, unrested, and waking up angry. My depression accounts for a lot of this I’m sure but it is amplified when I beat myself up. Its okay to push myself but I make it a point to keep saying I’m not good enough, that I’m not getting anything done. My current environment messes with that too. All my friends are happy as little clams, relaxing, married, and here I am, working my fucking ass off as my ex goes and sleeps around. I’m fighting myself to take responsibility and quit blaming my situation on others. I am pushing my friends away because I am not in their shoes, I know nothing of what it means.
I’m okay with sacrificing my body, to use all the energy I have as long as it remains in physical movement. When it is in the mind, I am fucked. If I make myself available to every situation, to take responsible for everything that I can in this world, then I am human, then it is worth it to wear my body down. If I can impact the world, it is worth the sacrifice. I only have one shot.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am nothing special.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at my ex for apparently sleeping around.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my problems on my friends.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my problems on my city.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel left behind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I will never be good enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can never impact the world.