Day 38 – Clarity

What is clarity? I really want to look at this point because the impression I have of myself is one based on dishonesty and sloppiness. Things that I say are shakey, broken, slurred, especially when I am anxious. It’s a feeling that’s stuck with me since childhood.

Having clarity in my words is basically having full confidence in every word I say and every movement. My body has such a reaction to social interaction. My chest tightens up, my mouth gets dry, and I speak words like walking through sludge. I judge my voice and other people’s reactions projecting my worries onto others instead of focusing on my own reaction.

I used to think clarity meant always being right. One thing I realized looking at this point is that there is no right. I am in process and I am an imperfect being. What matters is honesty. Being wrong is okay. Stumbling is okay. Being shakey is okay. What matters is honesty. All the shakey stutters and mumbles are there and will remain as long as there is resistance. I will push through conversations, through my words, through the tightness in my chest because this is not me. I am here. And I am Clarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as I speak with other beings.

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Day 37 – The Spiral

When I don’t do honesty or self-forgiveness in a few days or even a week, I feel myself spiral. Its like my mind builds and builds on top of itself, like JENGA, until it becomes unstable. That’s the point I’m at right now.

Its almost like my mind spins a web of thought and the thoughts spiral build on each other, spiraling me away from my being, from my true self. Any silence becomes noise very quickly. It doesn’t take long before I begin to grow attached to the feeling of noise. I want to keep talking, I want to keep worrying, I want to keep filling my time up, anyway I can because I grow uncomfortable being alone. I must leave, I must find a woman, I must drink, I must be social. All these vices are available and I keep falling for it. I keep trying to replace my self with vices to make me FEEL GOOD. But the feeling is only temporary.

Its hard to come back to a point of stability after what I like to call ‘The Spiral’ that is, going a long time without writing, honesty, and self-forgiveness. Each day I will focus on these aspects of myself until it becomes, natural, until it is a part of my being. There is such resistance I feel to writing, especially after a long time of avoiding it.

The resistance comes from a build up of consequence. There’s a lot I have to take responsibility for that I have been avoiding and hiding behind vices like alcohol and food and being soooo fucking social that I become unable to be OKAY just being with myself. I keep making excuses that I am lost, that I must do as much as possible. I am not lost. I have nothing I need to know or desire. I am here and I focus on myself and my reactions. I am responsible. I will not spiral anymore. There is no time to fuck around in this world. Its good to be back.

Day 36 – Lying to myself about self-honesty

I have been addicted to complexity. For the past week or two, I have been lying to myself about self-honesty. I have believed that I am perfect, that I know what I am talking about. I would speak without any focus on my breath, without any concern really for what I was saying. And it didn’t matter, because I believed I was right.

Whenever I would speak, I would use big words. I have been a slave to the complexity of my mind. I have been listening to all the shit that cycles around inside. None of it fucking matters but I MAKE it matter. I make it become the most important point in my life. To speak not from expression but as a way to project my opinions and bad advice onto others. I cannot help but listen to myself with adoration, believing I am right and others are wrong. I have been believing I am too good for self-honesty.

But now I see all the habits of speaking from a point to impress people, from the point of regurgitating all this mental drama. Its this idea that if I use big words and seem intelligent, then I win! Then I am enlightened and understand this world. Then I know my place. I am afraid to admit that I am broken, that I am wrong, that I am imperfect. Cause I don’t want to take responsibility for my words. I favor talking about everything and insulting people and making myself look hardened. Instead, its about simplicity. Speaking with clarity. Taking responsibility for letting my speech reflect my mind.

My speech should reflect self-expression. That’s all. Its so simple but yet I have been making myself speak within a whirlwind of thoughts. Simplicity is pure. I stop. I focus on my breath. I focus on taking responsibility for the words that I say to other beings. I speak with clarity and purpose. I am here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak from a point of believing I am perfect. Thanks.

A Writer’s Journey to Life: Day 35 – Am I changing myself or my environment?

Things happen. Every moment. And I am responsible as that moment happens. The problem comes with expectation of how the event will ‘affect’ me. It doesn’t affect me, or at least, it shouldn’t. Things have drastically changed in my world. People have come and gone. I am adopting a vegan lifestyle. I am doing things which scare the hell out of me. I am throwing myself in all these new surroundings in the hope I will change. I am surrounding myself with all these ‘like-minded’ individuals with the hope that I will grow. I am changing my environment, I am changing my experience of myself, my situations, but I am not actually changing myself. I am lying to myself deeply. Pretending I am honest when I am well aware that I am deceptive.

It’s easy to jump into new cliques but it doesn’t change who I am. Real physical change begins and ends with self-forgiveness and self-correction. I rely on ‘hope’ to change to, to make me a better man. My environment changes but my reactions remain the same. I have been fooling myself and I have never actually taken the steps to change. How did this happen? How did I end up right back where I started?

My starting point has been out of ‘hope’ out of thinking that the universe is good-hearted and will bring me happiness ‘in time’. That is, if I wait long enough, I will find my purpose, I will find a soul mate. Not even find. The universe will bring me these things I have been wanting for so long. But the universe doesn’t give a shit. I have a life and I should take responsibility with that. I am not entitled to anything the universe has to offer, especially since I have been abusing life for so long. Changing myself requires extensive awareness of my reactions in each situation and then to stop it in the moment and breathe. There is no waiting for the ‘right moment’ to come along and make me feel enlightened. I change myself by stopping myself and starting from the point of responsibility.

Hope is believing some guy like jesus will come wipe away my sins, my awful memories, make me a new man. Hope is believing if I follow the path of kindness and goodness and light-fluffyness then I will be made anew. Nothing like that matters. All that matters is my will, to stop ‘waiting’ for the universe to notice little old me. I am dirt. And until I prove otherwise, that’s all I will remain. I deserve nothing until I stop being the ‘victim’. I have always placed myself as the ‘victim’ hoping that someone will come along and rescue me. I am in control of all this shit. And it will stop right now with me. Thanks.

A Writer’s Journey to Life: Day 34 – Where am I going?

I haven’t been writing for a week maybe? Its hard for me to recall. I’ve been experiencing a lot of life changes between moving, becoming vegan, losing friends, and having new people come into my life; basically stuff that really needs stability. And for some reason I’ve been letting it all happen without much persistence to back it up. And so I found myself kind of surrendering to certain personas. That of the vegan hipster, the biker punk, the rock star in the band, and just kind of feeling it out. The problem lies in that I have lost my sense of self completely. I have just done what people around me have been doing for years. And so nothing is new. I have become a clone of everyone else. And everyone else is just as lost as a I am. So why do I find myself following these trends?

I want to be liked. I want to fit in. I yearn for some sort of clique that I can hide within. This comes with the changing territory. When everything around me changes, my mind wants to latch onto a person or group of people. But the groups of people around me are not stable. They cannot show me who I really am. So, its the feeling of being lost which comes up. I am lost but being able to trust myself is the most honest thing I can do in my situation. No one will show me the way. I mean, we can only be examples. And so I have to stand not as a hipster, a bike punk, a rock star, but as a human being supporting this earth.

Following others has only led me back to my myself. It seems that I come back when I trust other people to lead the way only to find that others are not completely stable themselves. I can’t get the positive reinforcement of being liked. And so again, I find that I am alone. But I am always alone, that’s something I keep realizing and then trying to bury again by throwing myself into groups of people.

So I come to the question that I’ve been trying to answer my whole life: Where am I going? Nowhere. I am going nowhere because there is nowhere to go but here. Every path that I take, every person I meet, always leads me back to myself. When I spiral back to myself, the choice that I usually make with this realization is to hate the feeling of alone-ness and then follow some other path others have created. I make myself believe that there must be something more to this. Some spiritual enlightenment, some sort of change that will wash over me and flip my world upside down. But no. I always return to myself. T

his time, I will stop taking other paths and following other people. Every time I feel myself ‘following’ some path and becoming lost within it, I breathe and choose to stand still instead. All that I need is here. There is nowhere to run to and there is no one to follow. All roads lead to self. And that’s really fucking cool.

A Writer’s Journey to Life: Day 33 – Fuck Ups

The hardest thing for me as a person and as a writer is to be okay with making mistakes. Its not just in my craft but in my personality. I’ve ingrained this trait where I will write something and then look it over a thousand times. I become fixated on what I wrote. Or I will be fixated on what I said to someone. I will ponder it in my head. I will fear retaliation, I will fear I offended a friend, made an enemy, made a bad impression. Its a point of being tethered to something that is done and said. Sometimes I wish I could delete sent emails and texts and whole conversations. I want to be able to fix everything and make it ‘right’. It’s not that I have OCD. I mean, I don’t wash my hands every time I go someplace…at least, I don’t think I do.

Its like I want to account for every possible interpretation of every word that I said. That every meaning can be discovered, that I will know the outcome. To know how people react, I suppose. I guess as a writer, a metaphor would be that I wish I could read everyone like a book. To know how situations are going to turn out. If I don’t know, then I often think of the worst-case scenario in my head and call myself a fuck-up. But that’s make-believe. To think that I can predict how someone will react is psychopathic. I realized it today that I am responsible for my inner space and that’s it. Changing another person is impossible and a mind-game. We can only love ourselves. Other people are responsible for their own spaces. The way I express myself in the physical becomes a reflection of that space, and that’s how we grow respect and trust with each other through our physical actions. Knowing that we are all taking care of our inner self, to not judge, to not react, to just breathe and know our lungs pump the same air.

Right now, no one can be trusted. We all have this make-believe world where we want everything to be accounted for in one way or another. Perhaps, not to the extreme as I do it. We all want to know how our lives are gonna end up. There is no answer. As we change ourselves, we change that experience of ourselves. I’ve realized that if I stop giving attention to freaking out about how people will react to anything I say or do, I clear a little space in myself. Its not much but its mine. I call it home. A place where I don’t try to make people believe certain things or decide what topics I agree with or disagree with. Its a waste of energy. Really.

When I write, when I speak, I breathe and teach myself what it means to perform the action with as much clarity, honesty, and passion as I am able to and then move on. Let it go. If what I say has no motive other than to be true to myself, to make my own path without trying to impress, then I have done all that I could. Then people might judge or they might react or they might do whatever people do. I am here and I am trying to impact this world so we all have access to what we need to survive. To make this world one of equality. I can only be an example.

To take responsibility for this world, I must first take responsibility for my inner space, to keep it clear. To not rely on judgments, feelings, reactions or anything that moves inside. I will make mistakes, I will say things I may deem ‘stupid’ or ‘wrong’ but I move on because none of us are perfect beings. We all fuck up. As long as I fuck up for myself and then correct it, that’s fine. However, in my fuck ups, I don’t want to deceive another. Each breath, I learn to trust myself no matter where I may end up. Whenever we believe we are fuck ups, just realize that everyone else is too, they are just too busy telling you how much of a fuck up you are. If I can trust myself completely, fuck ups and all, what more do I need? I suppose that’s real love.

A Writer’s Journey to Life: Day 32 – Erased

Today, I worked on my final project for about 2 hours. I forgot to save it properly. Now it is late and I am tired and I feel the energy of blame. I want to simply be angry at myself. The energy keeps trying to rise up. At first I was calm but I know its there. Nothing can change this situation I have brought myself in. I will have to work twice as hard all night to get done what I already got done. I keep coming back to a point of cycles. Where things repeat and I am a wheel. I feel like I am stuck working my ass off while my friends who are not going for their masters get to drink and dance and screw each other. It is lonely.

Its like I work hard but then yearn for some sort of entertainment. I cannot be comfortable with myself in the moment. In doing the work, I am moving closer to change, or so I think. I cannot see the ending. I cannot see that there is something that will show me all these sleepless nights will lead me to have any real impact on the world.

There will not always be somebody to pat me on the back. I am carrying a weight that others cannot carry. It is a path only I can walk because I can see the energy. I know that by pushing myself, I am approaching some sort of change. I can’t see it now. It takes time. It takes real movement and persistence. When things in my life revert back to a new beginning, it’s because I have not been self-directive, I have not pushed myself beyond the wall. I have half-assed the movement and said I have self-corrected when really I have done nothing. Unless my actions account for every single point of consequence that I must face, I will keep coming back to this point. This must be taken care and I will take responsibility. Thanks.

A Writer’s Journey to Life: Day 31 – Tetris and Consequence

As I move through my past couple days, I’ve noticed that consequence has been piling up. Process feels much like tetris LOL. I mean, as I stand up, there is certain amount of consequence that will happen. It will manifest because I have imprinted a certain extent of my experience onto myself already. That is unavoidable. For most of my life, I have lived as a reaction. I have spoken unconsciously with no care or attention to how it will come back to bite me in the arse.

I am in a tetris game where blocks of consequence will keep piling up. Now, as we know with tetris, I could push the block off to the side “waiting” for the right blocks to fall but we all know how badly that tends to turn out. Instead, we can use whatever shape the blocks (the consequence) comes in, rotate it, move it, whatever we need to do to match it up in a row and give us space to breathe.

I am not given more than I can handle. Sure it seems like the world is against me, that all is lost, but that is the experience I have unconsciously chosen for myself. Each consequence is a gift, a chance to face it once and for all to free myself. If I choose to “hide” from consequence, to lay the blocks somewhere else rather than find a good spot immediately, then there is no going back. It becomes harder and harder to dig down as more consequences pile up. This is why specificity and immediacy are so important. Its important that I take care of each consequence as it comes up and forgive it and self-correct my physical actions so that it doesn’t come back.

With dedication to changing myself, there will come a point where consequences will not be piled up, where I have taken care of that big pile of crap and can handle points one at a time as they come up. Right now, there is a lot of work to do. And frankly, if all we have to do as humans to transform this world is to face all this mental shit which isn’t even real in the first place, then that is a god-like ability and something I am extremely thankful for. I say bring on the consequence and I will face it. After all, its all a reflection of myself, this whole experience.

The universe really doesn’t care one way or another how much pain and consequence I go through, it just is, and I have to take responsibility for this place. As long as I hide from consequence, I will be a dot on a map. Once I change myself with real self-forgiveness and self-correction in persistence, then I am something of impact. I recall Sunette saying that everything of white light, past lives etc. was removed and so, all we have to deal with is this one life. That we are not given more than we can handle. This is a game of tetris but we can handle it just fine…one block at a time.

A Writer’s Journey to Life: Day 30 – Pride

Something I’ve noticed within myself is a constant bounce between extremes. I take on two personality types, I either carry my body with arrogance or as somebody who is worthless. Its a strange duality. The minimal amount of impact just shows how useless these personalities are. When I am arrogant, I try to get stuff done, I try to move as fast as I can. But it is all menial stuff, trivial things that don’t matter. I need to clean, I need go to the store, I need to beat this game, I need to drink exuberantly, I need to…the pride personality is a style fit for consumption.

In our search for self-esteem we are taught this, that the state of consuming, of owning the most stuff, of being the best by trampling over our fellow man, this is what it means to have self-esteem. And then we congratulate each other when we get more stuff, see more movies, have that awesome sex,  have the husband/wife, car, house, all these things are a ‘source of pride’. These are things that we look at and say, “look how far I have come in my life, look at what I’ve done”. We are happy….And this personality accounts for the way we have fucked ourselves.

What is the impact of this pride? Where does it change things? It changes our experience of ourselves while things that must be faced in this world remain glazed over. We miss the opportunity completely. I see myself do that, to be that source of pride, like that is what will propel me furthest in the world. What I’ve realized is that being proud can easily become a bubble of sorts. When I am arrogant or proud, I carry my head high like some king, like I own the town, and I don’t listen to people, I’m not aware of my body or breath, I am just this creature that must take take take because it is rightfully mind lol. It is a king-mindset.

When we impact the world, we might not feel proud, we might not gain social status from it, we may not feel happier, society will not always be there to congratulate us. It is a lonely line to walk, as there are no societal markers to tell us we are on the right track. In fact, it is the reverse, if we devote ourselves to real movement, we may lose friends, we may lose support, because we are not going the ‘usual’ lifestyle. We have nothing to ‘show’, to brag about to people, nothing to point to and say, “look at the ____ I bought.” Too often it is what we have purchased that reflects our perceived accomplishment. I’m not doing this for any recognition, to be proud, I have to remember that real change will outlive my body, whatever idea I may have of it. I can only measure how I move with self-honesty and self-correction. I am, in a way, leaving my own trail, showing where I have come. It is the only thing that I can do, to face what must be faced. It is either that or hiding behind pride in things that have no impact on reality.

A Writer’s Journey to Life: Day 29 – Nothing Special

Its hard for me to judge who I am in comparison to the rest of the world. I am one of billions of people. Anything I want to do, somebody has done it. It feels like I am small. That I am living in the past. I want to create something beautiful, or more importantly, something that will last. But aren’t other people doing that?

I know that I am lucky to be in this body. But yet, I can’t help but feel alone from the rest of the world. Yes, a little lonely but also a little bit like everything’s been done already, so what the hell am I doing here. There’s always someone who can sing better than me, someone who is a better lover, is funnier, is more attractive, makes more money. And I suppose there always will be. What is special about me is really nothing at all.

I try and try to be the best but I can’t tell if it really makes a difference. If I should be struggling as much as I do. I’m trying to find that fine line between persistence and patience. Lately I have been working myself into the ground, mostly from my own hate toward a recent breakup. Am I taking it out on my body? I try to do a million things, put my fingers into a hundred pots.

The more I push myself the more my temper has been flaring up. The more I feel uneasy, unrested, and waking up angry. My depression accounts for a lot of this I’m sure but it is amplified when I beat myself up. Its okay to push myself but I make it a point to keep saying I’m not good enough, that I’m not getting anything done. My current environment messes with that too. All my friends are happy as little clams, relaxing, married, and here I am, working my fucking ass off as my ex goes and sleeps around. I’m fighting myself to take responsibility and quit blaming my situation on others. I am pushing my friends away because I am not in their shoes, I know nothing of what it means.

I’m okay with sacrificing my body, to use all the energy I have as long as it remains in physical movement. When it is in the mind, I am fucked. If I make myself available to every situation, to take responsible for everything that I can in this world, then I am human, then it is worth it to wear my body down. If I can impact the world, it is worth the sacrifice. I only have one shot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am nothing special.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at my ex for apparently sleeping around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my problems on my friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my problems on my city.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel left behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I will never be good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can never impact the world.